Sleepless in Seattle: Abridged

If she weren't Meg Ryan, you'd have to get a restraining order. But she's Meg Ryan. The end.

See it? Not that you would admit to having it on DVD or anything, but you watch when it's on TV for Christmas. Come on. It's a classic. A-

Signs: Abridged

Aliens target agnostics, a lawn gets a mohawk, and your eccentric hat collection finally comes in handy. The end.

See it? When you've been reading New York Times articles about how much corn is in all of your food and just want to stick it to the farmers. B.

The Sixth Sense: Abridged

In this heartwarming tale about a boy and his ghost, young Cole learns that ghosts are people too, his mother learns not to take housekeeping so seriously, and Mischa Barton brings her bulimia out of the closet and onto the screen. The end.

See it? Sure. It'll make you afraid of the color red. A

When Harry Met Sally: Abridged

Men and women can't be friends. Except... they can. Wait... no they can't. Now I'm just confused.

See it? With a friend... or... a whatever.

Silence of the Lambs: Abridged

The butch cop becomes the ultimate fag hag, the transvestite gets a makeover, and the little dog is terrorized by a fat girl, and everyone lives happily ever after. The end.

See it? On a rainy afternoon. A+

It's a Wonderful Life: Abridged

This guy has a bad day and is going to kill himself, but then he doesn't... because of Christmas. The end.

See it? Every year! A

A Christmas Story: Abridged

This wilfully obtuse chauvinist abuses his family in a quaintly droll manner. The end.

See it? Only if you threaten to wash my mouth out with soap, beat me with a belt, or play it 24 hours a day on all cable stations for a week. F

Gone With the Wind: Abridged

This Southern chick has relationship issues... and so does the country. Still, she dresses really well. The end.

See it? For 224 minues of shadenfreude toward the rich and beautiful. A-

Movie-Mini: New Moon

This girl has a vampire boyfriend, but then he breaks up with her. She realizes that she has no personality and gets depressed. Then she kind of starts going out with a werewolf, but she doesn't know he's a werewolf until she finds out. Then the vampire comes back, and they get engaged. The end.

See it? Only if all of the seasons of Buffy are checked out. C