Heifersoapbox: Babies on the Supreme Court

In a recent NYT Sunday Magazine piece, a Yale Professor proposed that babies can make moral judgments about people's actions and mete out punishment accordingly. Apparently, we are born with a built-in sense of right and wrong, which is then sullied by liberal arts education and postmodernism.

This is an incredible breakthrough, both for political science and for actual science. We will soon be able to harness babies' innate purity and exploit -- I mean use it for our own devices by appointing them as judges and magistrates in our courts. No need to spend thousands of dollars on higher education when we can simply dispose of the judges (make them "analysts") once they've started wearing big boy pants and have lost all sense of right and wrong.

This plan would win the support of helicopter parents everywhere. No longer do young mothers have to launch cutthroat campaigns to get their toddlers accepted to elite preschools; they can now do it to get them elected to the Supreme Court, saving time, energy, and lives. Using babies would also reduce the Supreme Court's carbon footprint because babies use considerably less energy than the current justices do.

Several studies support this plan by demonstrating babies' moral fiber. In the lab, 2/3 of babies looked longer at evil people than they did at good people. According to a survey, 2 out of 5 of babies say they would throw a Barbie under an oncoming Tonka train without discernable cause (a trend that becomes much more prevalent in toddlers).

Heifervoyeur: New York Times Headline Writers Go a Bridge Too Far

"Shanghai Is Trying to Untangle the Mangled English of Chinglish."

Really, New York Times?

I still love you, but sometimes you get tangled in the mangled minds of your copy editors and their overinflated sense of their own cleverness. Get Katie Couric to say that one five times fast... or just one time at regular speed.

Heifering About: The Subway Anthropologist or How to Make People Slightly Less Comfortable Than is Comfortable

In an effort to go green, I have been taking public transportation a lot lately. As it turns out, the subway is not just a convenient means of travel, but it is also a social experiment in the making. After some spotty and poorly-documented field research, I believe I have accurately sketched the boundaries of acceptable social interactions among urban humans. To wit, people will become slightly uncomfortable if one does any of the following:

1. In a mostly empty row of seats, sit immediately next to the only other passenger.
2. As the train turns, lean against the other passenger in the opposite direction from that dictated by physics.
3. Make sassy expressions at one's own reflection in the window.
4. Make direct eye contact with anyone for longer than 3 seconds.
5. Wear a large hat.
6. Eat a burrito.
7. Ask to borrow a piece of toilet paper.
8. Ask to pet someone's baby.
9. Ask to pet someone's ipad.
10. Breathe conspicuously.

Heifervoyeur: PowerPoint Derails Military

Everyone knows that military commanders go nuts for pretty pictures. During the French and Indian War, Washington famously spent twice his monthly ration budget on illuminated maps of Ohio and Maryland. In his memoirs, he wrote, "I thought the inlets were cute."

Now, in an attempt to reduce their carbon footprint and be more "with it," the U.S. Army has gone digital, moving from watercolor cartography to PowerPoint. According to an Army publicist, the shift will give the Army "street cred" and will limit the number of inadvertent orphanage bombings that result from using maps whose ink has bled.

However, the digital shift has caused some unanticipated side effects. High ranking officers have started working late into the night, adding sound effects and animation to their PowerPoint presentations in an effort to outdo one another at Monday morning meetings. While many officers describe the atmosphere on the base as "good-natured competition," many of these strategy sessions have dissolved into street rumbles between two newly-formed gangs: the Comic Sans Kings and the Helevectias. Perhaps most worrying is the CIA's new policy of using Wingdings to encrypt sensitive messages.

The impact of basing troop placement on PowerPoint is yet to be determined, yet some of our soldiers are noticing disturbing trends. Private Idaho, stationed in Iraq, remarked that his troupe's maneuver's have become increasingly "like the lilt of a cartoon word across a screen." The U.S. Army press office was unavailable for comment.

Heifervoyeur: Boy Scouts Molest Man

FOXNews.com - Boy Scouts ordered to pay $18.5M in sex abuse case

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Do not be deceived by their cherubic faces and wrinkle resistant fabric. According to Fox News, these seemingly innocent Boy Scouts are ordered by the court to pay $18.5 million in damages to an Oregon man for abuse perpetrated in the early 1980s.

Many Oregonians are using the case as impetus to air their grievances against the Scouts. Allison Splinter, a female lumberjack, claims that Boy Scouts have frequently poached leaf samples from the national forest where she works. Several residents reportedly have seen Boy Scouts lining up and walking around in an intimidating manner. One architect who lives on a houseboat claims to have seen Scouts lining up on the shore, making obscene hand gestures (see above image).

When pressed for comment, 6th grader Timmy Smith insisted, "I wasn't involved. I was born in 1998," to which ADA Portland replied, "A likely story." Fourth grader Emmett Apple simply broke down in tears, repeating over and over, "I just want to sell the pop-corn." As our reporters left the scene, most of the Scouts remained stone faced, whittling spears out of sticks.

Heifervoyeur: Those Decadent Canadians

My friend Muffin constantly finds herself with extended periods of free time and a vast supply of disposable income. Suffering from ennui after yet another weekend at the Paris Ritz, she came to me in search of fresh, new vacation ideas. I was happy to oblige and came up with a winning option:

Canadian Style Camping.



Everyone knows that Canadians are decadent, always flaunting such things as 100% pure maple syrup, fur, and universal health care. But now, the Canadians have reached a new level of audacity with the development of glamping (glamour + camping).

Gone are the days when Canadians had to leave their mansions behind to enjoy the great outdoors. At Clayquot Wilderness Resort, for a modest fee, one can rent fully furnished tents with room enough for one's chef, valet, and badminton instructor.

For an additional fee, they will resurrect Clark Gable and have him lounge saucily on your setee.

Heifering About: As the Buddhist Rabbi Says...

A few weeks ago, I went on a 3 day silent Jewish meditation retreat. I know what you're thinking... Well, actually I don't. It wasn't a silent psychic meditation retreat.

In 3 silent days, though I did not learn telepathy, I picked up some helpful lessons:

1. People can tell you're not Jewish if you hold the Hebrew chant sheet upside down. Nevertheless, they will be gracious and will help you learn.

2. Breathing is more interesting than you'd think.

3. There actually are little bugs living in your eyebrows and on your skin. If you sit still for long enough, you will feel them.

4. If you want to inspire murderous thoughts in those around you, you should: fall asleep and snore during the rabbi's teaching, arrive late and huffingly to each meditation session, and chew loudly.

5. Oscar Wilde was right. The only possible society is oneself.

6. If you pay attention, you notice stuff.

For more about God, Judaism, and meditation, see Rabbi Jeff's excellent wesite: www.awakenedheartproject.org