Heifering About: The Subway Anthropologist or How to Make People Slightly Less Comfortable Than is Comfortable

In an effort to go green, I have been taking public transportation a lot lately. As it turns out, the subway is not just a convenient means of travel, but it is also a social experiment in the making. After some spotty and poorly-documented field research, I believe I have accurately sketched the boundaries of acceptable social interactions among urban humans. To wit, people will become slightly uncomfortable if one does any of the following:

1. In a mostly empty row of seats, sit immediately next to the only other passenger.
2. As the train turns, lean against the other passenger in the opposite direction from that dictated by physics.
3. Make sassy expressions at one's own reflection in the window.
4. Make direct eye contact with anyone for longer than 3 seconds.
5. Wear a large hat.
6. Eat a burrito.
7. Ask to borrow a piece of toilet paper.
8. Ask to pet someone's baby.
9. Ask to pet someone's ipad.
10. Breathe conspicuously.