Gay Blood

This week, the the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services is meeting to decide whether gay men should be allowed to donate blood. (See article.) Since the 1980s, they have been banned from blood drives because it would endanger the public.

This could not make more sense. For one thing, gay men drink blood, and though many of them live on the West Coast and are therefore vegetarians, they have notoriously poor will power and are known to binge on hemophiliac children in the middle of the night. (See below)


For another, allowing gay blood to enter the general public's bloodstream would quickly lead to an epidemic of sexual disorientation. Before you know it, people would be cracking snarky jokes, collecting Broadway trivia, and paying far too much for hair products.

Mercifully, the Dept. of Health and Human Services has promised not to thrust us into gay men's clutches altogether. Men who wish to donate blood may not have been intimate with another man within the last 5 years. This ensures that we need only worry about unattractive gay men, of whom there are few.