Friday, June 11, 2010

Gay Blood

This week, the the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services is meeting to decide whether gay men should be allowed to donate blood. (See article.) Since the 1980s, they have been banned from blood drives because it would endanger the public.

This could not make more sense. For one thing, gay men drink blood, and though many of them live on the West Coast and are therefore vegetarians, they have notoriously poor will power and are known to binge on hemophiliac children in the middle of the night. (See below)

For another, allowing gay blood to enter the general public's bloodstream would quickly lead to an epidemic of sexual disorientation. Before you know it, people would be cracking snarky jokes, collecting Broadway trivia, and paying far too much for hair products.

Mercifully, the Dept. of Health and Human Services has promised not to thrust us into gay men's clutches altogether. Men who wish to donate blood may not have been intimate with another man within the last 5 years. This ensures that we need only worry about unattractive gay men, of whom there are few.

Friday, June 4, 2010

White is the New White

Dear Bill Cunningham,

Enough! Day after day, I have created outlandish outfits and wandered the streets, looking what can only be described as terrifyingly whimsical. I have alarmed dogs, fascinated babies, and provoked complete strangers to ask me if I am "Lady Gaga or something." Yet somehow, I always seem to escape your notice.

The week that I sewed an eighteenth century redingote out of handspun recycled Coke bottles, for example, you decided that cardigans were chic. I wear organic fair-trade linen, and it's fur. I wear fur, and it's aluminum foil. Last fall, you specifically told me to "let myself go" and have fun with color. "Release the security blanket" of black and embrace the colors of nature through your clothes, you said. I obeyed.

I had never felt more exhilirated or childishly free.

But now, Bill Cunningham, you have gone too far. White? On Memorial Day weekend?! It's insulting. Particularly when I had a perfectly good eggshell sundress picked out but thought it would strike you as too obvious.

Bill Cunningham, we're through.

I give up.

Henceforth, I will just dress like this.


The Jaded Heifer

P.S. Leggings are not "stems," and shirts are not "flowers."

P.P.S. Buy a car.

Friday, May 28, 2010

People Are Racist... Because of Science

According to a recent article (poached from, people are racist... because of science. Let me explain.

Science has long taught us that people are not very smart because we cannot tell the difference between ourselves and others. When we see someone else get a paper cut, for example, we think that we are in pain ourselves and do all kinds of wussy things like clench our muscles, increase our heart rate, sweat, demand antibiotics, and start screaming and begging to trade information about illegal Canadian immigrants for just a few seconds of relief.

For years, this "empathy factor" has wreaked havoc on society by causing people to spend perfectly good beer and gun money on charities and government programs. Yuppie parents have aggravated this problem by actively encouraging their children to "imagine what it's like to be [insert name of kid whose bodily functions made 3rd grade math class unbearable]."

Now, science has made the startling discovery that people are most likely to confuse themselves with others of the same race. Apparently, the more you look like the person you're watching, the more you hurt when she hurts. This is why I couldn't get out of bed for a week when Anglina Jolie had that cold and why white women love Oprah so much.

So, according to science, racism exists because of empathy. Of course, nobody told science that, as a social construct, race doesn't actually exist.

Friday, May 21, 2010

America's Secret Weapon

According to a recent Fox News poll, America's best weapon is luck. "While 33 percent of voters think the United States has been effective in preventing terrorist attacks, more — 49 percent — think it's been pure luck."

As these so-called "voters" point out, luck is an extremely effective weapon. It is virtually undetectable to x-ray machines, most German Shepherds, and all Midwesterners. Furthermore, it has had a 99.infinity% track record of helping me to avoid many potentially disastrous disasters. This morning, for example, by making use of the luck weapon, I did not encounter any flu-ridden puppy-knapping serial killers, sprain my head in any wrangling accidents, or get my scarf caught in any jogging strollers.

Some "voters" claim that placing too much faith in the luck weapon would be a grave mistake because it would show hubris, which, as everyone knows, angers the vampires and the aliens. There is a growing movement in these voter circles to add more weapons to our Department of Super Secret Weapons. Trusted inside sources say that, to preempt alien attacks, the Department has already invested millions in anti-alien weaponry such as Jedi mind trick technology, painted signs, and voodoo. It is currently looking into plans to build a big fence around the perimeter of the United States that would be visible from space and would be way too high for aliens to climb.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Babies (The Movie): Abridged

These four babies are... babies, yet this French film brilliantly shows both the beauty of bodily functions and the subtle nuances that distinguish one culture from another: hippie-yuppie parents make their babies do yoga, urban Japanese parents make their babies wear leg warmers, Namibian parents let their babies chew on bones from the ground, and Mongolian parents let their babies crawl around under goats. No matter what their nationality, babies really like hipster music. (See Babies: The Movie)

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Is Your [Insert Pampered Pet Breed Here] Normal?

I recently discovered WebMD Pets! My life is now perfect. Instead of simply diagnosing my own medical conditions online and using them to vex my doctor(like that time I tried to convince her I had prostate cancer), I can spend hours each day on WebMD Pets, keeping a watchful eye on the health of my cat, Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan has been behaving oddly lately. She acts in a manner that can only be described as lethargic. She glares at me for no apparent reason and seems to have stopped caring about life. I think she might be schizophrenic or something. We'll be sitting there, having a perfectly normal conversation, and then she'll say something totally illogical and uninformed like "I thought Sarah Palin led the Tea Party. What's all this about Sam Adams?"

Luckily, WebMD Pets has many valuable insights into pet psychology. First of all, it's important to understand what is a behavioral problem and what is just "being a cat." According to the groundbreaking article "Is My Cat Normal?" normal cats exhibit the following behaviors: face rubbing, serial killing/dismembering, toilet drinking, eating plants, using substances recreationally, eating wool, lethargy, finger licking, and glowing in the dark. Reading this both reassured me that Lindsay Lohan is indeed a cat and that my roommate may be as well.

Yet I still have lurking suspicions. This list of behaviors seems to me to be stereotypically feline normative. Who is WebMD Pets to dictate which of Lindsay Lohan's behaviors are "abnormal" and which are simply charmingly whimsical? If she wants to have an imaginary friend who is a giant white rabbit, who am I to judge her?

Should Lindsay Lohan's behavior become more concerning, it's good to know that I have options. (See Behavioral Medications for Cats.) Thank you, WebMD Pets!

Monday, May 10, 2010

The Sordid Side of Bunnies

The other day, a friend called my attention to a matter of great social import: a teacher in Germany is suing her 14-year-old student for drawing a bunny on the board. (See article.) The image so frightened the teacher that she had heart palpitations and many other vague yet serious health problems. Germans leapt to her aid. All across the country, people begain to raise money, a response that has a strong track record of alleviating vague yet serious health problems. The teacher feels confident that, after the judge forces the student to pay her millions of dollars (or at least lunch money for the rest of the year), her illness will resolve quickly.

However, some people do not recognize the far-reaching implications of this case. Perhaps they are overlooking the fact that "bunnies" are actually rabbits in disguise. As everyone knows, rabbits have long posed a threat to society by using their finely-tuned arsenal of weapons (sitting very still, listening, flaring their nostrils, and staring) to lull us into a state of complacency and false security.

In addition to our money, this teacher deserves our thanks. Not since Mr. MacGregor has a hero of this stature emerged to defend us against the rabbit threat. Without her, we could have easily remained ignorant of the perils that lurk in our backyards each day. Rabbits carry the highly contagious bumblefoot infection, which has already spread to two keychains in New Jersey. They prey upon our supply of crudites, which could, over time, force us to replace carrots with french fries. Perhaps most alarming, they undermine the fabric of society by reproducing like -- well you know, which upsets both Republicans and feminists. When Republicans are bloated and pouty, noone is happy.

To my great relief, I discovered that we are not completely defenseless against the rabbit menace. Historically, rabbits have shown themselves to be vulnerable to a number of weapons, including gassing, fences, shooting, snaring, ferreting, merciless mockery and biological warfare(myxomatosis and calcivirus). Rabbits cannot vomit, so if all else fails, there's always the option of making them ride roller coasters while watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians. (I'm still not entirely sure who Kim Kardashian is.)