The Sordid Side of Bunnies

The other day, a friend called my attention to a matter of great social import: a teacher in Germany is suing her 14-year-old student for drawing a bunny on the board. (See article.) The image so frightened the teacher that she had heart palpitations and many other vague yet serious health problems. Germans leapt to her aid. All across the country, people begain to raise money, a response that has a strong track record of alleviating vague yet serious health problems. The teacher feels confident that, after the judge forces the student to pay her millions of dollars (or at least lunch money for the rest of the year), her illness will resolve quickly.

However, some people do not recognize the far-reaching implications of this case. Perhaps they are overlooking the fact that "bunnies" are actually rabbits in disguise. As everyone knows, rabbits have long posed a threat to society by using their finely-tuned arsenal of weapons (sitting very still, listening, flaring their nostrils, and staring) to lull us into a state of complacency and false security.

In addition to our money, this teacher deserves our thanks. Not since Mr. MacGregor has a hero of this stature emerged to defend us against the rabbit threat. Without her, we could have easily remained ignorant of the perils that lurk in our backyards each day. Rabbits carry the highly contagious bumblefoot infection, which has already spread to two keychains in New Jersey. They prey upon our supply of crudites, which could, over time, force us to replace carrots with french fries. Perhaps most alarming, they undermine the fabric of society by reproducing like -- well you know, which upsets both Republicans and feminists. When Republicans are bloated and pouty, noone is happy.

To my great relief, I discovered that we are not completely defenseless against the rabbit menace. Historically, rabbits have shown themselves to be vulnerable to a number of weapons, including gassing, fences, shooting, snaring, ferreting, merciless mockery and biological warfare(myxomatosis and calcivirus). Rabbits cannot vomit, so if all else fails, there's always the option of making them ride roller coasters while watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians. (I'm still not entirely sure who Kim Kardashian is.)