America's Secret Weapon

According to a recent Fox News poll, America's best weapon is luck. "While 33 percent of voters think the United States has been effective in preventing terrorist attacks, more — 49 percent — think it's been pure luck."

As these so-called "voters" point out, luck is an extremely effective weapon. It is virtually undetectable to x-ray machines, most German Shepherds, and all Midwesterners. Furthermore, it has had a 99.infinity% track record of helping me to avoid many potentially disastrous disasters. This morning, for example, by making use of the luck weapon, I did not encounter any flu-ridden puppy-knapping serial killers, sprain my head in any wrangling accidents, or get my scarf caught in any jogging strollers.

Some "voters" claim that placing too much faith in the luck weapon would be a grave mistake because it would show hubris, which, as everyone knows, angers the vampires and the aliens. There is a growing movement in these voter circles to add more weapons to our Department of Super Secret Weapons. Trusted inside sources say that, to preempt alien attacks, the Department has already invested millions in anti-alien weaponry such as Jedi mind trick technology, painted signs, and voodoo. It is currently looking into plans to build a big fence around the perimeter of the United States that would be visible from space and would be way too high for aliens to climb.