I recently discovered WebMD Pets! My life is now perfect. Instead of simply diagnosing my own medical conditions online and using them to vex my doctor(like that time I tried to convince her I had prostate cancer), I can spend hours each day on WebMD Pets, keeping a watchful eye on the health of my cat, Lindsay Lohan.
Lindsay Lohan has been behaving oddly lately. She acts in a manner that can only be described as lethargic. She glares at me for no apparent reason and seems to have stopped caring about life. I think she might be schizophrenic or something. We'll be sitting there, having a perfectly normal conversation, and then she'll say something totally illogical and uninformed like "I thought Sarah Palin led the Tea Party. What's all this about Sam Adams?"
Luckily, WebMD Pets has many valuable insights into pet psychology. First of all, it's important to understand what is a behavioral problem and what is just "being a cat." According to the groundbreaking article "Is My Cat Normal?" normal cats exhibit the following behaviors: face rubbing, serial killing/dismembering, toilet drinking, eating plants, using substances recreationally, eating wool, lethargy, finger licking, and glowing in the dark. Reading this both reassured me that Lindsay Lohan is indeed a cat and that my roommate may be as well.
Yet I still have lurking suspicions. This list of behaviors seems to me to be stereotypically feline normative. Who is WebMD Pets to dictate which of Lindsay Lohan's behaviors are "abnormal" and which are simply charmingly whimsical? If she wants to have an imaginary friend who is a giant white rabbit, who am I to judge her?
Should Lindsay Lohan's behavior become more concerning, it's good to know that I have options. (See Behavioral Medications for Cats.) Thank you, WebMD Pets!
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Harvey?
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