People Are Racist... Because of Science

According to a recent CNN.com article (poached from health.com), people are racist... because of science. Let me explain.

Science has long taught us that people are not very smart because we cannot tell the difference between ourselves and others. When we see someone else get a paper cut, for example, we think that we are in pain ourselves and do all kinds of wussy things like clench our muscles, increase our heart rate, sweat, demand antibiotics, and start screaming and begging to trade information about illegal Canadian immigrants for just a few seconds of relief.

For years, this "empathy factor" has wreaked havoc on society by causing people to spend perfectly good beer and gun money on charities and government programs. Yuppie parents have aggravated this problem by actively encouraging their children to "imagine what it's like to be [insert name of kid whose bodily functions made 3rd grade math class unbearable]."

Now, science has made the startling discovery that people are most likely to confuse themselves with others of the same race. Apparently, the more you look like the person you're watching, the more you hurt when she hurts. This is why I couldn't get out of bed for a week when Anglina Jolie had that cold and why white women love Oprah so much.

So, according to science, racism exists because of empathy. Of course, nobody told science that, as a social construct, race doesn't actually exist.