Heiferlifestyle: The Occasional Vegetarian

I have a friend who is a vegetarian. It's insufferable. We'll be at a dinner party, having a perfectly good time, and then she'll conspicuously ask the waiter if gumbo can be made as a vegetarian dish, which immediately focuses the conversation on the intricacies of her gastronomy and the men at the table spend the rest of the evening trying to convince her to reconsider steak, and this invariably culminates in at least two invitations to Zagat rated restaurants where they will cure her. They see her as a challenge; kind of how they see lesbians.

After months of reasoning with her and calling her a communist in public, I decided that I had no option but to try it. It kind of made sense. As a vegetarian, I would be healthier. My teeth would be whiter. My skin would be more luminous. Yuppies would respect me without my having to read Ayn Rand. So I tried it, and I've learned a lot along the way.

First, you must be prepared. People will demand an explanation, and when they do, you have 4 options:

1. It's for your health. This makes you sound like a sorority girl or will lead to a discussion of your medical history, neither of which is desirable.

2. You like animals. This leaves you vulnerable to the "humans are animals and animals eat each other" argument, to which the only real rebuttal is, "then cannibalism is OK?" which makes you seem... well... creepy.

3. You are Hindu. Unless you look Indian, most people will not believe you.

4. You care about the environment. If you're willing to do a little homework, you'll be able to tailor this conversation to fit your audience. You can describe the sordid underbelly of chicken-raising, or you can brainstorm alternative ways to use the land required for cattle-ranching like a wind farm or a really big slip-n-slide.

Finally, you don't have to be a vegetarian to reap most of its benefits; you just have to act like one.