People Are Racist... Because of Science

According to a recent CNN.com article (poached from health.com), people are racist... because of science. Let me explain.

Science has long taught us that people are not very smart because we cannot tell the difference between ourselves and others. When we see someone else get a paper cut, for example, we think that we are in pain ourselves and do all kinds of wussy things like clench our muscles, increase our heart rate, sweat, demand antibiotics, and start screaming and begging to trade information about illegal Canadian immigrants for just a few seconds of relief.

For years, this "empathy factor" has wreaked havoc on society by causing people to spend perfectly good beer and gun money on charities and government programs. Yuppie parents have aggravated this problem by actively encouraging their children to "imagine what it's like to be [insert name of kid whose bodily functions made 3rd grade math class unbearable]."

Now, science has made the startling discovery that people are most likely to confuse themselves with others of the same race. Apparently, the more you look like the person you're watching, the more you hurt when she hurts. This is why I couldn't get out of bed for a week when Anglina Jolie had that cold and why white women love Oprah so much.

So, according to science, racism exists because of empathy. Of course, nobody told science that, as a social construct, race doesn't actually exist.

America's Secret Weapon

According to a recent Fox News poll, America's best weapon is luck. "While 33 percent of voters think the United States has been effective in preventing terrorist attacks, more — 49 percent — think it's been pure luck."

As these so-called "voters" point out, luck is an extremely effective weapon. It is virtually undetectable to x-ray machines, most German Shepherds, and all Midwesterners. Furthermore, it has had a 99.infinity% track record of helping me to avoid many potentially disastrous disasters. This morning, for example, by making use of the luck weapon, I did not encounter any flu-ridden puppy-knapping serial killers, sprain my head in any wrangling accidents, or get my scarf caught in any jogging strollers.

Some "voters" claim that placing too much faith in the luck weapon would be a grave mistake because it would show hubris, which, as everyone knows, angers the vampires and the aliens. There is a growing movement in these voter circles to add more weapons to our Department of Super Secret Weapons. Trusted inside sources say that, to preempt alien attacks, the Department has already invested millions in anti-alien weaponry such as Jedi mind trick technology, painted signs, and voodoo. It is currently looking into plans to build a big fence around the perimeter of the United States that would be visible from space and would be way too high for aliens to climb.

Babies (The Movie): Abridged

These four babies are... babies, yet this French film brilliantly shows both the beauty of bodily functions and the subtle nuances that distinguish one culture from another: hippie-yuppie parents make their babies do yoga, urban Japanese parents make their babies wear leg warmers, Namibian parents let their babies chew on bones from the ground, and Mongolian parents let their babies crawl around under goats. No matter what their nationality, babies really like hipster music. (See Babies: The Movie)

Is Your [Insert Pampered Pet Breed Here] Normal?

I recently discovered WebMD Pets! My life is now perfect. Instead of simply diagnosing my own medical conditions online and using them to vex my doctor(like that time I tried to convince her I had prostate cancer), I can spend hours each day on WebMD Pets, keeping a watchful eye on the health of my cat, Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan has been behaving oddly lately. She acts in a manner that can only be described as lethargic. She glares at me for no apparent reason and seems to have stopped caring about life. I think she might be schizophrenic or something. We'll be sitting there, having a perfectly normal conversation, and then she'll say something totally illogical and uninformed like "I thought Sarah Palin led the Tea Party. What's all this about Sam Adams?"

Luckily, WebMD Pets has many valuable insights into pet psychology. First of all, it's important to understand what is a behavioral problem and what is just "being a cat." According to the groundbreaking article "Is My Cat Normal?" normal cats exhibit the following behaviors: face rubbing, serial killing/dismembering, toilet drinking, eating plants, using substances recreationally, eating wool, lethargy, finger licking, and glowing in the dark. Reading this both reassured me that Lindsay Lohan is indeed a cat and that my roommate may be as well.

Yet I still have lurking suspicions. This list of behaviors seems to me to be stereotypically feline normative. Who is WebMD Pets to dictate which of Lindsay Lohan's behaviors are "abnormal" and which are simply charmingly whimsical? If she wants to have an imaginary friend who is a giant white rabbit, who am I to judge her?

Should Lindsay Lohan's behavior become more concerning, it's good to know that I have options. (See Behavioral Medications for Cats.) Thank you, WebMD Pets!

The Sordid Side of Bunnies

The other day, a friend called my attention to a matter of great social import: a teacher in Germany is suing her 14-year-old student for drawing a bunny on the board. (See article.) The image so frightened the teacher that she had heart palpitations and many other vague yet serious health problems. Germans leapt to her aid. All across the country, people begain to raise money, a response that has a strong track record of alleviating vague yet serious health problems. The teacher feels confident that, after the judge forces the student to pay her millions of dollars (or at least lunch money for the rest of the year), her illness will resolve quickly.

However, some people do not recognize the far-reaching implications of this case. Perhaps they are overlooking the fact that "bunnies" are actually rabbits in disguise. As everyone knows, rabbits have long posed a threat to society by using their finely-tuned arsenal of weapons (sitting very still, listening, flaring their nostrils, and staring) to lull us into a state of complacency and false security.

In addition to our money, this teacher deserves our thanks. Not since Mr. MacGregor has a hero of this stature emerged to defend us against the rabbit threat. Without her, we could have easily remained ignorant of the perils that lurk in our backyards each day. Rabbits carry the highly contagious bumblefoot infection, which has already spread to two keychains in New Jersey. They prey upon our supply of crudites, which could, over time, force us to replace carrots with french fries. Perhaps most alarming, they undermine the fabric of society by reproducing like -- well you know, which upsets both Republicans and feminists. When Republicans are bloated and pouty, noone is happy.

To my great relief, I discovered that we are not completely defenseless against the rabbit menace. Historically, rabbits have shown themselves to be vulnerable to a number of weapons, including gassing, fences, shooting, snaring, ferreting, merciless mockery and biological warfare(myxomatosis and calcivirus). Rabbits cannot vomit, so if all else fails, there's always the option of making them ride roller coasters while watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians. (I'm still not entirely sure who Kim Kardashian is.)

Heifersoapbox: Babies on the Supreme Court

In a recent NYT Sunday Magazine piece, a Yale Professor proposed that babies can make moral judgments about people's actions and mete out punishment accordingly. Apparently, we are born with a built-in sense of right and wrong, which is then sullied by liberal arts education and postmodernism.

This is an incredible breakthrough, both for political science and for actual science. We will soon be able to harness babies' innate purity and exploit -- I mean use it for our own devices by appointing them as judges and magistrates in our courts. No need to spend thousands of dollars on higher education when we can simply dispose of the judges (make them "analysts") once they've started wearing big boy pants and have lost all sense of right and wrong.

This plan would win the support of helicopter parents everywhere. No longer do young mothers have to launch cutthroat campaigns to get their toddlers accepted to elite preschools; they can now do it to get them elected to the Supreme Court, saving time, energy, and lives. Using babies would also reduce the Supreme Court's carbon footprint because babies use considerably less energy than the current justices do.

Several studies support this plan by demonstrating babies' moral fiber. In the lab, 2/3 of babies looked longer at evil people than they did at good people. According to a survey, 2 out of 5 of babies say they would throw a Barbie under an oncoming Tonka train without discernable cause (a trend that becomes much more prevalent in toddlers).

Heifervoyeur: New York Times Headline Writers Go a Bridge Too Far

"Shanghai Is Trying to Untangle the Mangled English of Chinglish."

Really, New York Times?

I still love you, but sometimes you get tangled in the mangled minds of your copy editors and their overinflated sense of their own cleverness. Get Katie Couric to say that one five times fast... or just one time at regular speed.